Hollywood should be ashamed, and Arnold can look at this and
be relieved his version isn’t the only failure on the books. I would rather be decapitated by a dull sword
than have to sit through this dull movie again.
This review will take a different approach. I will indicate the issues in sequence and
just know it will not be positive from any angle. The opening was too quick and actually a bit
complex, but the 3D effects in the opening minutes were post production
heaven. While overloaded with
gladiators/barbarians, death, swords, and blood, we are left lobotomized. We are well aware of what we are going to get
from the previews and the studio’s posters, yet flock with blinders on to the
theatre seats with hopes of something meaningful, another failure. It is like watching Hanna as an adult
male. There is merely rural violence and
family issues. Conan was a savage kid
and warrior, but the bulk of the character stops there. The movie was too dark to be done in 3D. Viewers will be forced to remove their
glasses to be able to see the screen. Over
90% of the movie is in 2D anyway. There
were plenty or ridiculous costumes and makeup, dull sound editing, lousy sets,
and very few intelligible lines leading to an unbearable viewing
experience.
Conan’s most notable line of the movie, “Woman, come here!” Conan’s lack of charisma and merit is
comparable to Arnold’s performance in the previous version. One of the lead evil-doers looks like Lil’
Wayne. The movie isn’t even a ‘fun bad’
like “FD5” or “Scream 4”, it is plain bad.
Conan will pull 1 out of 5 Cyclones, and that is a courtesy Cyclone for
at least allowing us to see the movie for free as a screening; hence, saving us ten dollars on a movie
ticket.
-CycloneMovies.com Critic
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