Abduction - An awards would have to be stolen

Watching Taylor Lautner made me ‘happy’ in some regards, but watching this movie made me depressed, because it was not good, at all.

With the high hopes for this young man to do something besides play Shark Boy, oh and a werewolf on Twilight, I was not convinced he can do it after watching “Abduction”.   The tacky lines and a Mark Hamil / Hayden Christensen level of acting, the movie left repulsive short-term memories in my mind.  His stunt(ed) action scenes were ridiculous.  There were typically 2-3 camera cuts in each sequence to distract from what could have been done quite easily with a trained stunt double.  Of course TL had his shirt off as much as possible, except when it whould have realistically been removed, like in the water.   Lautner’s female sidekicks were equally as disappointing.  Sigourney Weaver and Lily Collins were almost as pathetic as Kristen Stewart is in Twilight.  The memorable lines had so much sexual innuendo and delivery, I almost threw up a little.  The purely unemotional and scripted lines such as “Come in the back door…” and “Knock twice before coming inside…” were all delivered at awkward moments, without rhyme or reason. 

Yes it has a Twilight feel to it.  It is comparable to story as  the Bourne series, and other spy vs. spy movies.  But it is not nearly as enjoyable.  Abduction will pull 2 out of 5 Cyclones  merely for having eye candy and providing tweens with a perfect movie to enjoy.  The rest of us can just drop them off and see something else.

-New CycloneMovies.com Critic-

Dolphin Tale - drowning in boredom and predictability

The movie is sponsored and promoted by feel good groups, churches, and independent media outlets.  It is a limited release feature with some high caliber names (Connick Jr and Freeman) in the cast. They balance out for an entertaining movie.

Don’t go into this movie looking for too much.  Just let it play out.  It is totally predictable and appropriate for all ages and walks-of-life.  It will cater to the elementary crowd as well as the family elders.  It is a (true) story about a dolphin which loses its tale due to man-made hazards.   The dolphin is fitted with a prosthetic tail as well as a new outlook on life for itself as well the boy looking to nurse the dolphin back to health.  At times I wish the dolphin (or I) had been euthanized prior to the movie. Then  the realization about the target audience and purpose of the movie would return.

If you want to feel like you watched a Lifetime TV show or an Oprah Book Club title made for the big screen, spend the money.  If you want something more, wait for TV or Redbox.  It fails to rival other animal movies like Old Yeller, Lassie, Free Willy, and so on.   I can’t find many faults with the movie other than mild entertainment for an hour and a half.  I didn’t need to see the movie to get the story and visuals in my head.  “Dolphin Tale” will only get 2 out of 5 Cyclones.

-CycloneMovies.com Critic

Moneyball

There is the slow and determined approach to a standard drama with "Moneyball." The sounds were subtle and the film was easy to relax and enjoy.

We are drawn in not so much by the baseball and the players, but by the unlikely subjects behind the scenes. We watch the politics and strings being pulled within the A's and between the MLB teams. The peanut gallery of old men at the A's roundtable are true to form. There was a great quote credited to Mickey Mantle about how can we play for so long and know nothing about the game. We are in that position as we watch.

Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt are the focal characters. Pitt is pushed by Sony for an Oscar nod, but I won't hold my breath. The story is slow and historically entertaining. Viewers will get caught up in a few baseball moments and spend over 2 hours wondering when and how will it end. It is a drama. The semantics, metaphors, and statistics take a bit of a toll after the few hours, but it is definitely worth seeing. 3 out of 5 Cyclones for a movie baseball, history, and all ages can enjoy.

-CycloneMovies.com Critic

I Don't Know How She Does It - Or why she keeps doing it.

Horse-Face Sarah Jessica Parker, partakes in another flop.  Working moms may enjoy it, if they have time to go to the movies, but the rest of us will simply hop to another movie while said mom finishes wasting her time with this movie massacre. 

The premise and story is simple to follow.  The potential for a good movie was never there.  Viewers will wish they had watched something more enjoyable.  SJP is a working class mom with a few kids and a modest husband to juggle.  She is 'promoted' at work and has to try and find time and make the right choices to balance out the various elements of her life.  There is humor, feel good family moments, and simple business encounters in the plot.  The assistant Momo, was fun.  Some of the cut to interviews (like on The Office) were entertaining, but the rest of the time we were bored to death. 

It compares movies along the lines of "The Devil Wears Prada" and anything with Julia Roberts or Bette Middler; however, it doesn't live up to them. A mere 1 out of 5 Cyclones for this outing.


-The New CycloneMovies.com Critic-

Apollo 18 - crash and burn

This can be summed up quickly:  Astronauts, Choppy camera effects, Off camera action, Government conspiracy, Cheap sets, and Grainy camera images.

That is about it.  The movie was done on the chopping block and in small confined spaces with a green screen as needed.  The astronauts of Apollo 18 put into motion a movie about rogue (little) creatures on the moon and devastation to astronauts and cosmonauts.  Then the cover up and potential contamination for a sequel.

Don't spend the time or money on this unless you are movie hopping and your ride is late to get you.  Apollo 18 will pull 1 out of 5 Cyclones.


-The New CycloneMovies.com Critic

Saving Private Perez

Mexican powerhouse, Julian Perez, is given a final wish from his mother to bring back the missing son Juan. Senor Perez heads out to do just this.

The family assembles a team of "savvy personnel" to go into the battle to pull out MIA US soldier Private Juan Perez from Iraq. Their trials and errors in the middle east are relatively cliche. They have random hook ups and resources throughout the movie and encounters with US and domestic militants. The stories and encounters make up the plot of the the movie, but fall short of anything fantastic and memorable.

There is a similar feel to "Three Kings" and "The Kingdom" and of course "Saving Privater Ryan" but without as much to enjoy. The movie is subtitled, often in English and in Spanish. Tough to decipher between a mocumentary, comedy, drama, or other genre. 2 out of 5 Cyclones.


-New CycloneMovies.com Critic

Warrior - fighting against the season of movie mediocrity.

We get a feeling this is "The Fighter, Part 2".  Family, MMA, and life are all in the lineup for this card. The lead brothers, father, and friends are all contenders in "Warrior".

The fights for money, family and survival are all the foundation for this lengthy drama. As Brendan (Edgerton) the average 'Joe' is stuck in a financial bind with family and his job on the line, he realizes his teaching salary doesn't quite meet his basic financial needs anymore - he drifts into realm of quick cash, cuts and bruises of the MMA business. Whereas, his brother Tommy (Hardy) is a meathead and comes from a military background and is able to get into the ring and prove his worth against a brutal middle weight contender.

The two are both "fighting for their lives" at the Sparta MMA tournament. They are both nobodies and underdogs in the 16 man tournament, but this allows the story to start to unfold and we get to build a slight connection to the characters.

Too much drama and not enough action for some viewers, and vice-versa for others, the audience was clapping as cheering throughout the screening, and glued to their seats as well.  It is similar to "Rocky" and "the Fighter" in too many ways. The complex family issues are almost too dramatic. The fight scenes were done about as well as could be expected with professional actors. This movie was fighting for 4 out of 5 Cyclones, but can definitely wait to be seen on DVD.

-CycloneMovies.com Critic-

Contagion - the movie has failed to catch on so far.

Matt Damon leaves us begging for some of the other cast members to step it up and give us a memorable performance.  He needs Ben Affleck to help this movie deliver. 

If a movie was to be funded based on product placement, "Contagion" along with other movies coming out in theatres this month would fit this mold.  Way too much of this in the movie and gives it a very cheap feel.  Germophobes were squirming in this movie as it focuses on the transmission of disease through contact and viral infection. Looking at Jude Law's terrible teeth, Dimitri Martin failure as a scientist, Bryan Cranston as a military guru, and so many others that couldn't salvage the film makes me point fingers at the upper management's failure to bring us a good movie.

Some of the movie was filmed in San Francisco, and even the extras from the film were disappointed.  The movie is quite slow, creates some panic (around 9-11, thanks) and quite a few people needed their popcorn bucket as a virus trap.  Those wise enough to bring a pillow to the movie were simply able to keep from sleep drooling into the popcorn bucket. 

"Contagion" simple had too many actors cast in the wrong roles.  If we have to see another back to back movie with Bryan Cranston in the cast, his agent should get an award for his amazing productivity.  The guy is plastered in every movie this month, and all the performances are worthy of a Razzie (bad movie award.)  This one piggybacks on "Outbreak", "28 Days Later", "The Stand" and others.  Don't skip a nice meal at McDonald's to watch this movie.  "Contagion" will pull a stretch at 2 out of 5 Cyclones.


-The New CycloneMovies.com Critic

Straw Dogs - drew the short straw in every regard.

The movie is setup as a suspense film, but it doesnt deliver as more than end of summer rubbish.

Initially viewers' hopes are brightened by the humor and characters in a small town bar scene near where two urban dwellers are looking to move into the recently deceased father's house. (Did you get all that?) The movie then turns to something quite dull and intended for the the theatre slow season when nobody is going to the movies. We have a token black guy (the Sheriff), the simple village idiot attempting to further the plot and give some depth to the film, stalkers, beer, hunting, and sexual innuendos...the end. The movies "Walking Tall", "Of Mice and Men", and any small town horror/suspense film are mimicked in "Straw Dogs".

Rednecks vs city dwellers. Small town football. Some gripping death scenes near the end to give the movie something memorable besides the cast's pretty faces. There was one line to remember "That's your queen." as the loving couple makes lazy love. Look, just skip this film, or go try to rent the original 1971 version. "Straw Dogs" will pull 1 out of 5 Cyclones.


-The New CycloneMovies.com Critic

Drive - to the theatre to watch this alone

We are drawn in from the opening, but can it hold up? Yes, it is consistent. It took a few days to write this review, I had to let the movie sink in. The movie has the feel of a mix of a Tarantino and a Woody Allen production.  Seem odd? Now you can understand my pain in writing the review.

Ryan Gosling is a stunt driver for movies and a mechanic at a local shop. He drives "for hire" on the side. He falls for his neighbor and adores her son. This complicates his life and sets up the script.

There is very little acting and depth to this film. If inaction (not acting) could earn and Academy Award, then Gosling is a shoe in, and with this movie I am reassured he is meant to be watched in slow motion without many lines. If the movie was filmed at full speed, it may only be a half hour long. The death (and driving) scenes create the R rating and also help make the movie intense and appreciated.

There is a plethora of product placement to cheapen the feel, but the super slow pace may also hinder viewer's enjoyment. "Drive" will only appeal to some viewers, not those looking for a "Bullit", "Transporter", "Vanishing Point" and others packed with action. "Drive" will pull 3 out of 5 Cyclones.


-The New CycloneMovies.com Critic

Bucky Larson - Made only to make us laugh

Bucky (Nick Swardson) was fired from his supermarket job and portrays the typical simpleton in his role as an idiot. Bucky then sees his parents in a retro porn film and feels the need head west to become a movie star. He is wonderfully pathetic in ever regard. This is a terse comedy and trashy from beginning to end. Critics were not invited to review the film and there were no advanced screenings for a reason.

A simple film plugged with plenty simple laughs and viewers will surely be impressed with Bucky's equipment (or will we?)  His love life and dreams are quite elementary and the movie is intentionally soooo bad. Go laugh at the movie and yourself, just don't tell your family and friends you liked it.  Don't worry, everyone else in the theatre is laughing with you, not at you.

"Bucky Larson" cannot be compared to many films, it is in a league by itself. Bucky will pull 2 out of 5 Cyclones merely for entertainment and conversation value.




-CycloneMovies.com Critic

Lion King 3D - a classic not remade, merely rereleased

Merely a remake of a masterpiece, only in 3D (HD) with some editing. 

The movie was heaven as it was originally created and presented. There were fun twists "written" into the stars and dust in the original VHS version (those are video tapes for any  kids reading this) and we miss them and a few parts in the new version.  Disney cleaned it up, and that hurts those looking to see Mufasa in the stars and the other silliness we have come to see in the hand drawn Disney movies of decades past.  Don't worry, we still get our favorites Timon and Pumbaa.

We may be presented with re-releases of classic greats like Scarface and Star Wars in the coming months, and like those, we should all go pay homage to Lion King as well. Take the kids and grand-kids to the movies. No great surprises, which also hurts for those looking for post-production inserts in this version. Lion King 3D earns a worthy 4 out of 5 Cyclones.

--CycloneMovies.com Critic--